Blog 10- what it is

A friend of mine has adopted a phrase that I have been hearing a lot lately.  She says it quite frequently, and I find it troubling in its fatalism.  The phrase?  “It is what it is.”

Yes, certainly, it is.  But what does that mean?  Does it mean it has to stay that way?  That is what it seems.  Her husband is an alcoholic, and she is pregnant with their fourth child.  He was in jail recently for drunk driving, they got dangerously behind on mortgage payments because of court costs, power was shut off, she had to borrow money for food.  It is what it is. 

He gets violent when he drinks.  He promises to quit, and does  for a little bit.  He is what he is.

She hasn’t been able to work since a stillbirth 3 years ago.  She depends on his income through pregnancy after pregnancy, miscarriage or live birth, and barely leaves the house anymore.  She is what she is.

Her oldest daughter, from a previous marriage (a drug addict and abuser) is 12.  She is forming her future self by watching her mother; everything that she will be, the relationships that she will have, the life that she will lead.  What will she be?  Right now, she is beautiful and witty, affectionate and bright.  How long will she stay what she is right now? 

My friend adopted the phrase, she says, to help her cope… to remind herself that there were things that couldn’t be changed but must be dealt with.  Then she proceeded to apply it to every aspect of her life, even for the things that could be changed.  She allowed grief to overwhelm her.  She chose to not deal with the hard things in life; work, loss, living.  She lost the strength that I loved her for having; more than I thought that I could ever have when we first met 12 years ago.  She became a different person.  She gave up.

I find this same fatalism in others, too.  Why change things?  This is the way they are.  But, really… does that mean that they have to stay that way?  Does admitting that some things cannot be changed but must be dealt with mean that we give up hope for everything? 

The name of my friend’s 1 year old daughter is Marley, and I cannot help but think of Marley’s ghost from Dicken’s Christmas Carol, wrapped in the chains he forged himself.  My friend’s daughters will have chains not of their own forging but simply because they were born women in this world.  They will have chains from their mother and her husband.  Will they wear them or shed them?  Only time will tell.

I spend time with them, especially the oldest.  We talk about her dreams, books, and movies, and she likes the way I dress.  I talk to her of college, and opportunities she will have, and science, and other countries.  I tell her of human rights, and the importance of speaking out against injustice, and of her right to be heard.  I am a role model, somehow, but is it enough? 

It is what it is, I guess, and only time will tell what it will be.